Why GOD?

They say, “Time heals all wounds” but, they forget to mention the scars that the wounds leave behind. They forget to tell you about the PTSD, the sleepless night, the ability to never trust again, the toxicity; in other words all the behavioral tender scar tissue that’s left behind from the wounds. The wounds that are created by traumatic life experiences, the experiences that change the very thread of our being. Nothing in life is ever the same after we survive through situations that should have killed us. Experiences that causes our hearts to turn into ice boxes and our dreams to now become nightmares. That is the life I know, that is the only living I have ever experienced, the life of a survivor and I don’t know too many people who could even tie the laces to even begin walking in my shoes. Shoes that are too big for most and that’s fine because these shoes, this life belongs to me. However, the hardest tragedy to live through is and has been the traumatic loss of losing my fiancée while I was seven months pregnant.

It’s sad to say that for days I cried and prayed and turned my faith on high believing that GOD was going to bring my John home. But, one night when I was praying I asked GOD, “…if John is never able to come home. GOD give me your strength and power to heal through this.” I had spent years working in hospice and the message was always the same after each death; the only thing promised in life was death. Although, it had been years since I said a prayer, years since I walked into church, and years without me mentioning Jesus’s name; my soul knew that I was going to need GOD so I listened to my soul.

As a child, my greatest memory was church. I don’t think there was a Sunday we ever missed. I would watch my mother fake smile and fake laugh and pretend to be this loving woman. Yet, the moment we got home life was not the pretty faced picture she painted in front of all the “saints” at the church. I grew up believing in my heart that church was just as fake as my mothers smile. I never seen healing and happiness come from the church. So, when I became older and decided that my life belonged to me, I suffered in silence and found creative ways to deal with the trauma and even more creative ways to hide the scars that were left behind.

I’m sure you’re reading this trying to understand, “Why GOD?” My answer is at first I tried everything but him. I tried on my own to find my own healing whether it was through meditation, new age spiritualism, learning an instrument, learning how to box, singing, dancing etc. the list goes on. While I tried my hand at everything I could, I never truly tried GOD, I never truly gave him a try and while I was losing my fiancee, I was finding my faith and GOD had answered my prayer. He had given me a strength and a power like I had never known before and it didn’t take years to get there… it just took a small bit of faith, the size of a mustard seed (Luke 17:6), faith that I took time to water, love and feel and in return my scar tissue is fading away. I have never been able to truly trust anyone or anything but, the way GOD caught me before I hit the floor. The way he comforted me in the midst of my sorrow and more importantly the love and the peace that he’s given me through such a time as this, is beyond anything that I have felt before.

I didn’t find GOD behind the walls of a church but, I found him in my secret place, my place of brokenness. I never knew he was there waiting for me, like a parent awaiting their childs’ return. I was truly the prodigal child and all of heaven rejoiced when I asked GOD to accept me, his response was simple, ” I’ve been waiting for you.” Thankfully, through GOD I was able to find a church that believed in healing and transformation. Actually, it is more than just a church but a hospital for the soul. A place where GOD resides and his blessings and favor is our portion.

I am more than grateful that he heard my prayer but, I am truly blessed because he heard my heart. It was the cries of my heart that reached the gates of heaven before my words ever could and all these years I could have spared myself so much aching pain and sleepless nights if I just called upon him. I never took the time to stop running from him and the whole time he was running after me with arms wide open. GOD has provided me with everything that I had ever needed and that was everything he promised, “…A spirit of peace, power and love.”(2 Timothy 1:7) I am alive and thriving because he seen that I was worth it. I am forever in his debt, I will forever praise his name because, his name is worthy to be praised!

As I close out my truth; I know there is someone who’s reading this thinking, how can this be true. How can a man living in a cloud be the greatest thing to ever happen to me after experiencing such trauma. Well, my words to you is this, ” Greater is he that is within me than he that is within the world.” GOD is a gentle surgeon and he doesn’t live on a cloud but he lives within and the moment you decide that you want to feel again, the way you felt before tragedy hit, seek ye first the kingdom of GOD and he will show up and he will bring the cavalry.

Why GOD, you ask? Because, WHY NOT GOD…

Dear John,

I asked GOD that the moment I write the last word and I close it with the last period. That he hand deliver this letter to you post haste.

I must say that I miss you, I miss you with every fabric and fiber of my being, I miss you with my whole heart. There isn’t a day that I don’t want you here, there isn’t a moment that goes by where you don’t plague my thoughts. I’m consistently thinking about what would John do, what would John say, John would find this funny. There are days that I forget you’re gone and I still want to call you, I want to send you a text and I expect for you to walk through the doors; to find me and then to kiss me like you always did.

Actually, it’s the small things I miss the most, the things I fight hard to never forget; the sound of your laugh, the touch of your hands, the taste of your lips when you kiss me, the way you’d look me in my eyes and tell me you love me, the safety your arms brought and the thoughtfulness of each word when we’d disagree. I can go on and on about all the ways I miss you, I believe it’s safe to say I miss your entirety.

So much has happened since August 2nd, and it’s hard to believe that it’s been four months. Four months since that call came in and changed our entire lives. Four months since you last told me you loved me, four months since you last kissed me, since you last walked out the doors and never walked back in. It’s so hard to put into words that feeling, the last-time, that should be it’s own emotion but, that’s another story for another time. The first day when you were in the hospital, I felt like I just couldn’t get there fast enough. I knew you needed me, I knew that maybe my kiss would be your cure, my voice would make all things better. There I was frantic and sevens months pregnant and neither of us knew what the sex of the baby was; although, you wanted to know and I begged you let’s wait, let’s be surprised together and because you loved me you went along with it. I called my sister while in the car and said, “Joy, I’m on my way to the hospital to see John and I don’t know what kind of state he’s in but, I need to tell him what the sex of the baby is. He needs to know. ” In a tone only a sister can give a tone that was both heartbreaking yet loving she utters, ” It’s a girl India.” I covered my mouth with my hand and I let the tears do what they do best, I let them flow. We didn’t have a concrete name for a little girl, in fact we had nothing for this baby at all, except for the diapers you purchased a few weeks prior. I knew you had to pull through because we needed to name our baby girl together.

I tried to stay optimistic as I got to the hospital, I saw your family, I heard the scream of your sister, I saw the monsoon tears on everyone’s faces. As I sat down, I did what any seven month old pregnant woman would do, I lifted my face mask off of my face and I vomited, right onto the floor (you know me, I couldn’t hold much in). I still tried to stay present emotionally and physically because my eyes needed to see you, my soul was frustrated because it longed for its mate. Then what felt like an eternity the hospital staff finally allowed us to go in two at a time(due to covid restrictions they wouldn’t allow us to go in as a family). I cried all the way to your room. I saw your mother and her face told me all I needed to know… and then… I saw you, lying there, helpless and I felt hopeless. I walked over to the bed, I grabbed your hand and I whispered in your ear, “Baby, it’s a girl. You gotta get up. Because we need you. Can you hear me? It’s a girl, we’re having a girl.” I pulled back to see what reaction you would give me and one lone tear rolled out of your right eye. Did you hear me when I told you, I swore you did? I kissed your entire face, I stroked my finger along your foot because your feet were super sensitive. I knew that would wake you but, it didn’t. In fact three days later, nothing woke you up again. I may not have been there for the first breath you took but, nothing in the world was going to make me miss your last breath.

[Side note: I’m sure you’d be interested to know that I hit someone’s car on my way to see you, on your last day and I can see you palming your face and chuckling to yourself because, you know me.]

I love you.

GOD has been my best friend through this whole ordeal, the second day of you being in the hospital, so many people were praying for you. Sooooo many people were expecting you to wake up. I know my faith was on high, GOD had given me a strength and a peace that was beyond my own understanding. I never felt such a calm in the midst of a storm, a storm greater than I had ever gone through, a storm that you only read about, a storm that happens to everyone except for yourself. I couldn’t imagine my life without you, and I knew that whatever the outcome GOD was going to have to help me through it. So, I had to lean on him heavy and trust me you would be thrilled to know that GOD has kept me from losing my mind, from losing myself because losing you was and still is the hardest tragedy I have ever experienced.

In the bible it says that the dead have no knowledge of the living but, I would love for you to know that we had a healthy baby girl, I named her Artis-Lily Michael Ramsey. Remember, when we came back from Chicago and we had grilled our dinner at your sisters house and we came home, had dinner and sat on the couch and we watched that movie Maria on Netflix (you know the movie about that hardcore Filipino assassin, the movie that I said, “…gave me all the feels?”)? As the movie went on and you began to see the character development of Maria (who’s real name was Lily), you turned to me and said, ” You know what baby? I wouldn’t mind if the baby is a girl. We can name her Maria-Lily.” Oh did we laugh! I don’t know if you knew but, the amount of LOVE that I felt for you was truly beyond any love I have ever felt before. Although, I quickly turned down Maria as a first name, I agreed with Artis-Lily and you were satisfied. I want you to know that I received confirmation when your sister Brenda and I went to the art store Michael’s and on the bottom shelf of the TY beanie baby rack, hidden in plain sight was a white stuffed Illama and when I opened the name tag, to my surprise there it was her name, Lily. Normally, all TY beanie babies come with a name and a birthday and an interesting fact about themselves but, there was no birthday for the Lily the llama and it’s probably because our Lily wasn’t born yet. Artis-Lily came on her due date, on your dad’s birthday and she has your middle name! She’s looking like you more and more each day, she even has your toes and she has your nose! Oh how I loved your nose! Sadly, she isn’t the red-head I was expecting her to be but, she has your dimples and that makes me smile from my heart.

Life, is so different now. But, you have given me so much to live for, you have given me a drive that refuses to give-up and give-in and I keep my head held high like the Queen you believed me to be. All the plans we made, I won’t let them go, I won’t let your dreams of being a provider and being on top of the world, I won’t let them die with you. With GODS will I will make sure we’re taking care of; I’ll make sure the girls will never have to go without, I’ll make sure that your three year plan is implemented, I’ll make sure to keep the family together, and I’ll make sure that you are never forgotten because, you, my King deserves to live on through beautiful memories, laughter and success! My heart aches with each letter that I type but, what gets me through (besides prayer and GOD) is believing that you were too big for a world that was too small for you. You were a Big Fish, (a shark actually) you needed an ocean and this earth was a pond for you. Every day I get to wake up to a piece of you, and that at times is my cup of coffee. Thank you for her, thank you for leaving me a piece of yourself that only you could give. She’s so loved, GOD has deemed her his beloved and he will take care of her, if you don’t believe me you can ask him yourself.

As I close out this letter, know that in time, I’ll be alright because, I can hear you say, “Keep your head up, don’t cry, you’re a Queen. I got you.” Although you’re no longer here, I thank GOD for the time we had together. People that knew you share with me how much you loved me, how much you loved our family, how much you grew because of the way I loved you, the way I believed in you and I encouraged you. Little do you know, it was you who did all of those things for me too! In fact you loved me so good that all I ever wanted to do was love you with my words. You gave me an Agape love that is foreign to many but, I can say that I had a taste of it, that there was someone who loved me so much that when he asked me to be his wife he bought me two rings, one for if I said, “Yes” and one for if I’d say, “No.” No, was never an option John, you were always a yes. From the moment I saw you it was, “Yes!” From the moment you asked me on our “mini-date” it was, “Yes!” When you asked me to be your girlfriend it was, “Yes!” When you wanted to chase your dream it was, “Yes, how can I help?” You deserved every yes I could give. And even though death has parted us, when it’s my time to go, and the angels come for me, I’ll gladly bow my head and say, “YES, it’s time for me to see John, again.”

Our Love is LIMITLESS and I Love you TREMENDOUSLY!

How to be

I have been feeling the uneasiness of being trapped.

Womb Service

Last Sunday my beautiful Sister-Friend Jheneire invited me to accompany her on a magical adventure; a few days prior she had sent me a screen shot of a flyer through WhatsApp and on top of the flyer in big bold words it read, STINGING NETTLE BRUJXS HEALING COLLECTIVE LAUNCH EVENT. Huh? Having NO idea what I had just read, I continued to read it and what stood out to me was the word “healing.” The flyer used the word healing three different times and I knew that this was something worth considering. I didn’t know how this “healing” thing was going to happen I just knew that it were going to a farm in Mattapan and I was willing to try something new, something different.

Sunday arrived, and what a beautiful Sunday it was. The sun was out, the leaves were changing colors on the trees, children were playing outside and the energy in the air was happy. It was a very beautiful autumn day.  Jheneire met me at my place and we drove to the farm together. When we arrived, there were many women and a few young men already there, they were all natural, all beautiful, different shades of people and positive energy you could feel from the street. We stopped by the greeting table, where we were greeted with the warmest smiles and were given a name tag and an itinerary for classes that were going to start 30 minutes from the time we arrived. I read a description of all the classes but, the one class that had stuck out to me was the womb healing class.

My original perception of the womb-healing class was this would be a great spiritual cleansing for my womb. As a mother, who’s womb has experienced both life and death. I felt this would benefit me so much more and on a deeper level. They had made the announcements that our classes were beginning. The men and women had begun to scurry away to their classes or to the trash receptacles to toss away their hummus filled plates. Jheneire and I (after asking for directions a few times) we walked into the house that was hosting our classroom. Oooohhhhing and Ahhhhing at the fine architecture of the empty farm house. We make our way up a staircase and at the top of the stairs we find our class filled with smiling woman and feetless shoes. So, we take off our shoes and find a space to sit down.

The class begins, and we are learning about our womb, not just our physical womb that births life, but also our womb that births ideas. I knew immediately that I was in the right class. Prior to the class I had been battling with writer’s block and struggling extracting ideas out my head and onto paper. I needed to birth new life into me. Between work and mommy-hood and extra-curriculars’ in between. Finding a moment to revamp seemed hard or just tiring. After learning about Mooning cycles and the manifestations imbalance/wounds. We were then instructed to lay down on our backs as we were going to start the Sacral Massage. We all try to find a comfortable spot, one that wouldn’t interfere with our neighbor and as we had begun to settle down, as if on cue, the drum class that is directly under us begins their session. As we lay there with our hands resting on our abdomens, our instructor guides into our sacral massage for our wombs and below us the drums are playing softly and the atmosphere in the room changes as if we had all released the very thing that was preventing us from giving birth to ourselves.

Growing up in a Christian home, I was only taught that Jesus heals. However, I was not taught how to heal from within. I wasn’t taught that healing is a process, I wasn’t taught anything outside of prayer and that my healing will come when Jesus said it was time. In that one session alone, I could do the un-thinkable, which was healing part of myself by myself. Just by using the hands GOD had given me! What an experience, what a magnificent feeling, to know that GOD had given us the same ability to heal ourselves that he had given to his own prophets.  I didn’t need anyone else to lay their hands on me, I didn’t need anyone to tell me when my healing was going to begin. The womb healing class allowed me to start a new journey with eyes wide open

Healing isn’t just something that takes place in a day, it’s a journey. It’s a battlefield it’s happy one moment, and it’s sad the next but, what it isn’t is waiting for someone to tell YOU that your healing can now begin. I felt like such an outcast in my family because, church wasn’t my thing. Church to me should be a feeling, wherever you are, you take church with you because our creator resides within us. That Sunday as I was in my healing class, my hands were blessed to bless my body, to bless my creative spirit and to see myself in a way that I never could have before.  I performed womb service on myself to birth new and creative ideas, and to begin a journey that’s all my own. Being able to come home and share that experience with my girls, to be able to birth, a new mom, a new writer, a new me was what I’ve been waiting for. Good-bye to everything, I have ever known and hello to the unknown. Hello to spiritual healing. -NDIA

Me on TV

Growing up, I never had many woman of color on tv to look up to. I didn’t know who I could become because, there weren’t many options or inspirations for me. Like most kids growing up in the inner-city, single parent home, TV was often my visual escape. It was my way of seeing the world outside of what I’ve seen and experienced every day. I never wanted to be anyone other than myself, however I always wanted to be lighter because, being chocolate was frowned upon. My dad did a great job at boosting up my self-esteem and reminding me of how beautiful I was. However, no one ever told me that my complexion was pretty and definitely not tv.

Sure, I grew up watching Lisa Turtle from Saved by the Bell and Dionne Heart from Clueless; the best was growing up and watching Moesha and Girlfriends, they were definitely my thing during my teenage years. However, who could I relate to? Not one of these woman of color we’re relatable. Not one of these woman that I admired on TV could I see myself in them. There was no one who looked like me on tv nor anyone I could relate to until…I watched Insecure.

Issa Rae was EVERYTHING I had ever wanted to see on tv. She was black, she was brilliant, she was weird, funny, she was me on TV! I remember being at the brink of tears after the first episode of season 1! I had never had that feeling of being able to relate to anyone who was myself. I had became a fan at the age of 31. Never had I ever had that luxury of watching TV and seeing myself look back at me! Her friends, I could relate to because, they were similar to my friends. The situations she ended up in were again, relatable and her tv life I wanted to experience for myself. She was beautiful! I was a fanatic! I was hooked and I realized how important representation is.

The best thing about change is my daughter’s do not have to live their lives without seeing themselves on TV. While my oldest is hooked on Zendaya, Letita Wright (Shuri from Black Panther) and Tiffany Haddish. My youngest loves Doc McStuffens and the newest rendition of Annie! My oldest wants to be an actress and loves Tech and making little movies and videos. While my youngest wants to be an animal doctor and loves learning about animals! They have something I didn’t; which is examples that they can see. They see themselves in so much more than I could have ever imagined!

I write this today because after witnessing Ayanna Presley, Liz Miranda, Rachel Rollins and Nika Elguardo win elections in Massachusetts. I now know that my girls will have an infinite supply of woman of color to look up to (outside of myself). These woman have opened up doors, and Windows for everyone! How very rewarding it is to know that children can have hero’s that they can look up to, that look like them! I don’t have sons but for my nephews they can see themselves in hero’s like President Barack Obama, Colin Kapernick, and Chadwick Boseman. How beautiful!

I know that great change can result in hard times but, what beautiful changes they are! To witness a ray of difference on the tv screen. To see so many different faces looking back at you and being able to chose which one relates to you more! I’ll never get over this feeling. I’ll never get over seeing a reflection of myself played out on tv.

In my 32 years of life, I have never felt so proud to be me. Felt so proud to be in the skin I’m in. Never been more proud to be a woman of black and brown descendants. I love that unity and equity are the changes that have begun to take place. I love the fact that there is more to come, more to love about what we see in each other, more to learn from each other. All this growth is beautiful, I look forward to our future!

The woman depicted in my collage was just to simply name a few.

Never Enough For Me!

I have decided that I want to be successful, more successful than I could imagine. It’s not that I want fame and fortune. It’s the ultimate goal to being and staying happy. Every morning when I wake up, I’m waking up to go to work, not my work but, to work for someone who decided that they wanted success more than their next breath and they achieved that. So, I want to achieve that too! I desire that same drive, I want success more than my next breath.

To be honest, I have recently started to scratch the surface of my happiness. To do things I never knew I could. I have my book being released on ebooks tomorrow August 31st 2018, I have joined a band (Shout out to Organic Ginger Bread and the wonderful GLoreus-J).I have become a self-taught keyboard player (with room to grow). That’s just to name a few things. I’m pretty stable financial and emotionally but, my heart, my body, my mind desires so much more.

As I write this, I’m currently listening to Never Enough from the movie The Greatest Showman (https://youtu.be/U9tO3OrsMeM). Although, the song is a love song, to me it’s my love song to myself. There are nights when I lay awake feeling disgusted with myself, never satisfied with myself because, I did not take the time to do what’s best for my future. I keep cheating on myself, I keep denying myself what I long to have; my happiness is going to come from my drive to be successful!

I have amplified the goals for my life. I have turned the heat on so, that I can get uncomfortable. The other day as I was sitting comfortably in my apartment doing some online shopping for all new everything. I was reminded that this place that I am in, this moment that I am in is NOT meant for me to get comfortable. This is the time that I am in transition. I gave myself two years but I believe that GOD is telling me two years is too long and he’s hitting fast forward on my life.

Never Enough! Is what I remind myself when I want to get comfortable. Never Enough is what I whisper to myself when I want to lay down. Never Enough is the song I play when I want to take throw the towel in. I am tired of living someone else’s dream! I’m done with caring about anyone else’s feelings that aren’t going to take me to my high road. I’m so done with mediocre. I’m done with believing that I’m not great enough. Comparing myself to everyone who isn’t me, everyone who’s hasn’t gone through what I’ve gone through!

Well, today is my graduation day! Today nothing will NEVER Be Enough if it’s not going to take me to my happiness. Belle (from the movie Beauty and the Beast) summed up everything I felt simply by saying, “I want so much more than they have planned.” I’m so much more than anyone has planned and I won’t rest, I won’t give up on myself. Not again, not today, not tomorrow. I refuse to leave this Earth piggy backing off of someone else’s dreams. Their dreams weren’t meant for me. Today I chose to live, for myself, for my happiness! As long as I, Ndia draw breath there will never be a moment where I’m not pushing myself to reach my highest potential. From this day I renounce fears that weren’t meant for me, I denounce fears that others try to place on me. I was made for so much more; watch me fly.

“I won’t stop til I’m standing in the spotlight. My stage is waiting and I’m ready.“-NDIA

The Weight of the World…

Every few months or so I take a break from writing because, I always need new material. I need fresh eyes to realize what my vision is; as a writer as a blogger. There are times when I have doubted myself and I decide that maybe, I’m best off just working for someone else, working for some one else’s goals, some one else’s money. Then reality reminds me that if I’m going to stress over anything it’s going to be over something that I wholeheartedly want for myself.

It was 4 in the morning and I was awoken by severe sharp pains, in my abodemn. At first I believed the pains were just cramps so, I wasn’t too concerned. Until the pain began to hit like waves (similar to contractions), each one stronger than the last one. I tried everything that would help relieve me from the pain that I was experiencing. However, nothing seemed to alleviate the distress that I was in. Then my alarm went off at 6 a.m. I somehow managed to hobble up and I got ready for work.

When I made it to work. I was in excruciating pain but, I kept telling myself that, there is work that needs to be done. I was in my office, pacing back and fourth, all the while telling myself that work was more important than my health. I mean really it’s not that serious but, to me it was. While sitting at my desk, grimacing in pain, I received a call from a family member. Not once did they ask me how I was doing or if I was in the mood to take on all their problems they were dishing out into me (because that’s what happens they transfer their energy into you). While I was quietly holding myself due to the pain, I was also taking on someone else’s problem. Who else could possibly be dying, while also offering a listening ear and comforting words?

Three hours of being at work and trying to get done as much as I could; I was finally out the door and heading to the E.R. It was quiet at Brighams and Woman’s Hospital that morning so, I was seen immediately. Two doctors and a nurse walked into my room and asked me question after question. I was poked and prodded with genuine concern and care and then when they left in unison, I had begun working and while working I was texting another loved one about a problem they were facing. Without realizing it, I secretly snuck my stress into the hospital with me. After an hour; my results came back, my doctor came in and she told me that all my pain was caused by a stomach ulcer and that if I don’t learn to leave the the stress alone and ear better, it will only get worse. She left the room, but her words stayed with me.

In all honesty, I had brought ALL my problems into the hospital with me. Family drama, work stress, just everything I felt like I had no control over. The biggest issue, I was suffering in silence. I offered to take on all the drama, the weight of others, their issues. I was losing and my body was telling me that it was too much; especially, when I noticed how all of my problems followed me in the hospital but, none of the people that attached themselves to the problem were in there with me. Everyday, there was a problem and most of the time the problems were not my own. Every day, I was fighting to be perfect at work, so perfect that I was secretly taking my work home with me. Staying late, coming in extra early, taking on the problems of the building. All the while, not realizing that once I’m dead, they’ll just replace me.

It’s ok to say No! It’s just fine to say I need a break! No one should have to remind you that you’re important, you’re valuable, your timeless and priceless. No longer am I allowing anyone to take away from me what is so important. If the work isn’t done, it’ll get done. If the conversation is leaning in another direction, change it or simply cut it short. We have to be tired of hearing bad news, working til exhaustion, and/or taking on the problems that weren’t meant for us!

Your health, your life, your vision, it’s important. Protect it at all cost!

This blog is dedicated to the nurses that work at North End Rehab. Who pushed me out the door to get to the hospital. I will ALWAYS appreciate your support and the love that you not only give the residents but the staff as well.-Ndia

Never Give Up!

Do you know that, when you put forth the effort, you’ll begin to see results? When you begin to exercise and eat better you begin to feel and look better, when you study for a test your test scores will look better. When you desire to succeed you do things and you go places in which you can see results. All you need is consistency. All you need is the ability to say, “I desire so much better for myself!” The moment you decide to make a change, results will come.

Recently, I haven’t been blogging because, I have been so focused on work and my new promotion I was having a hard time focusing on anything other than family time and me time. I didn’t have the energy to write, I didn’t even want to find the energy because, I’d rather make excuses instead of make the time. I stayed out later, I went out after, I hung out with my girls, the beach, the gym, etc. Everything but write.

I never really realized how my words were affecting people until a young woman named Terae told me, “I need you to start writing again!” Hearing her say that to me blew my mind away ! I know that not everyone reads my work but, knowing that just one person needs me to write for them, than it’s my duty to do so. I started my inspirational blogging because, I wanted to do just that; reach someone, anyone so they wouldn’t feel that they were alone.

Effort!

August 17th will make 2 years that I have been blogging and in that 2 years only one person has demanded more of my writing. More of my inspiration, more of what I can share. Now, if you’ve read some of my previous work you know how much I love the Tortoise from the children’s story; The Tortoise and the Hare. The reason why I love the tortoise because he never gave up! He kept going he took his time and he succeeded! Not only did he make it across the finish line but he won!

My writing has been read by thousands of people since August 17th, 2016 and only ONE of my readers have inspired me to keep writing, keep going, to keep moving forward. She reminded me that no matter what’s going on in my life or how busy I become I can never nor will ever become too busy for you, my readers. Because I believe in you! For everyone who has ever felt like they needed me and I wasn’t available through my words, I’m sorry. Life will never get too busy for me to be there for my readers. To uplift and to encourage and to remind you that you are never alone because, you are never alone.

This is dedicated to Terae , who never stopped reminding me it was Wednesday. I’ll always appreciate you for never letting me give up.

A-Ray of Sunshine

Have you ever met someone who did something so brave, that in that small moment of bravery they become your hero? I have and her name is Araya-Sunshine and she is my 12 year old daughter. She doesn’t know it (yet) but she’s my hero! She’s had to face so much and overcome so many obstacles, in such a short lifetime and still has the courage to smile in the face of adversity and hold back tears in the midst of pain. I know this may sound like I’m raising a solider but, in a way she is. She’s just that and let me tell you readers the more you read the more you’ll understand why she’s my inspiration for this week’s blog.

Last week, Araya and I found ourselves smack dab in the middle of an emergency room. She had a bug bite that had become infected and it had turned into a very large abscess (that she chose to hide from me). After a few hours of waiting around, we were finally called in. Dr. John and Nurse Nancy asked a million of questions and shook their heads all while keeping their eyes on her abscess (as if it were going to jump off the table). Dr. John informed Araya that the abscess was so infected they may have to cut into and remove all the yucky infested stuff. Immediately, Araya was not interested and suggested a plan b. Astonished by her will to negotiate, her doctor informed her of a plan B; they could numb the infected area and then push and squeeze all (or as much) of the “yucky stuff” out. Araya immediately agreed. Dr. John looked at Nurse Nancy and they appeared to be completely impressed with her bravery. He informed Nurse Nancy to prepare for plan B, he wanted to begin soon.

While she lay in bed, I asked her if she was certain that she wanted to go through with it. I wanted to be sure that as her mother I advocate for her best interest (even if it means that her hurt was mine as well). She told me, “Mommy I just need you to hold my hand.” Simple enough, right? How I wished it was I, lying on that bed, in that hospital gown ready to endure what she was about to. Instead I said, “Ok Ray. I can do that.”

And so it begun… Dr. John and Nurse Nancy walked into the room. Although they believed they were prepping for plan b, they were actually preparing for Araya’s plan A. She laid there, brave, unbothered and heroic in her own way. Secretly, afraid and nervous. She extends her arm out desperately searching for my hand and I immediately reach for hers in return. For ten excruciating minutes, while they squeeze out the infection; Araya combats that pain by, squeezing my hand in return. When my “Mommy eyes” can’t take anymore of the pained look on her face. I spoke out and I said, “She’s hurting. Her face is grimacing.” Immediately she gives me this look that set me on fire and retaliates with, “Mommy! I’m fine. Please keep going.”

Impressed by her will Dr. John said, “Araya you are so brave. I would be crying if this was me. ” Nurse Nancy agrees and they continue. When they finished, Dr. John and Nurse Nancy showers Araya with praises and sends in other nurses and doctors to showcase “She-who-did-not-cry.” All of the doctors and nurses “Ooohh and awwwed” All morally satisfied with her bravery.

After a few moments of rest she was ready to go and that day my perspective changed about my first born. I was astonished, not just by her will to not cry but, her will of determination. She was willing to take the road less travelled because for her it meant a shorter recovery time and she didn’t want them to leave scars on her body. But, for me the analyst, it had a bigger impact on me.

We take shortcuts all the time. But don’t realize that our shortcuts bring us back or even delay our growth. Araya knew that surgery meant, more doctors, more appointments, more picking, poking and prodding and days of endless pain. Instead she decided to cry now rather than later. The problem is we hold on to things we should let go of and instead of dealing with the consequences we wait and deal with all the extra stuff that comes along with it. We hold off on being recovered because in our minds the “easy way” hurts less but we forget that the recovery time takes longer.

What is your abscess? What’s infecting you? What are you doing to remove the infection from your life? Why not cry now rather than later?

I implore you to find and stick with your plan A, and prep for your plan B. There are more ways to your recovery and even if it hurts , it’s worth the pain because, it’s a pain you will know you don’t want to feel again. Be like Araya and find the other options because, it’s just worth it.